I’m angry. Like really angry. This past weekend was a rage-filled struggle for me, and my rage had no outlet. There was no productive way to channel my anger. I wanted to smash things, I wanted to scream, I wanted to destroy everything in my path with my bare hands.
All of last week was HARD—one thing after another. Injustices that I couldn’t rectify, pain that could only be sat through.
This is what this post started as:
I’m angry. Not frustrated or upset, but genuinely angry. Not a gentle simmer, but the absolute rage that demands the flipping of tables and the tearing down of anything, tears streaming.
Last week was a hard week, in so many ways, for so many people.
I’m angry.
I’m angry that my “brother from another mother” was diagnosed with cancer at 41.
I’m angry that my son is getting viciously bullied by others on his football team. I’m angry that my daughter didn’t get to play AT ALL in Saturday’s booster club football game.
I’m angry that my daughter has anxiety and OCD and it demands so much of her and me.
I’m angry that my youngest son is so absolutely rude and disrespectful sometimes.
I’m angry that things are increasingly expensive, and the bills keep piling up.
I’m angry that a hurricane destroyed so much of our country last week.
I’m angry that our government is so obviously out to destroy us.
I’m angry that people aren’t getting the help and resources they need.
I’m angry that entities are actively preventing help.
I’m angry that people can’t wake up and see the reality right in front of their face.
I’m angry that I tripped on the curb and fell.
I’m angry that my kids just can’t do their chores without being asked.
I’m angry that all I can do about any of it is pray.
I’m angry that I feel like prayer is not enough.
I’m angry at God.
I’m angry.
Enter God.
“He hates those who pervert justice by declaring guilty people innocent and innocent people guilty” (Proverbs 17:15)
“He hates those who commit the ultimate act of injustice: the murder of the innocent” (Proverbs 6:17).
Sunday morning I lay in bed….angry: My throat closing up and my sinuses burning. I told my husband, “I’m angry. I’m so angry, and there’s nothing I can do about any of it.” His response: “You can pray.” “Prayer isn’t enough. I pray and nothing changes.”
Enter God.
We go to church, children grumbling about why they have to get up and go to church when none of their friends do. I’m still seething. Knowing that if I allow anything to release it’s going to be destruction for everyone and everything around me.
Our pastor starts his sermon, calling to memory our own flood here in 2006, which left our town looking much like the photos coming out of Appalachia: How our little town in upstate NY made the national news (I’m thinking to myself, why is THIS flood not being broadcast everywhere, every minute?!)
Grant us, O Lord, to trust in you with all our hearts; for, as you always resist the proud who confide in their own strength, so you never forsake those who make their boast of your mercy; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen. Proper 18 BCP
Our pastor’s entire sermon was about the power of prayer.
“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-17)
“Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven”. (Matthew 18:19)
We’ve heard that prayer doesn’t always change the situation, that it changes the person praying: But prayer changes BOTH! Throughout the Bible, we are exhorted to pray, not only that we may be changed, but that the situations that we are in also will be changed.
Paul requests the Ephesians to pray for him that he may be faithful (Ephesians 6:18-20). Moses prayed to God begging for His Mercy against the Israelites, reminding Him of all He had done for them, and GOD WAS MERCIFUL (Exodus 32)!
Why would we think that God would do anything less for us?! Whether it is God calming the storm or the sailor; prayer changing us or prayer petitioning a God who LISTENS and ACTS on our prayers. God is still God, Jesus still died on the cross for us. He is still in control.
Enter God.
Sunday afternoon was spent at my parents’ house surrounded by dear friends and family: An afternoon of restorative peace and fellowship. I gathered up all the kids and we hiked the hill behind my parents. The very woods I ran away to growing up, and God’s glory was on full display.
Enter God.
Monday morning I waited for the text, to receive word of my brother’s prognosis: “Prognosis is excellent” flits across my screen.
Yes, I’m still angry. I think when we look at all that is going on in the world we should be angry. I know God is angry at the injustices and destruction His children face, the pain and suffering they experience.
But where I felt powerless in my prayer, rageful in my anger, there is now hope. There is the renewed knowledge of God’s loving hand and influence over our lives, showing us He is there, He is listening, and He answers.
Love you! Praying for you always